#1 Ministry

On June 1st,  I went to my second wedding since my own got called off. The first one was back in April, but it wasn't really difficult because I was SO confident that Jesus was going to bring us back together. But this one was a little different...
I went into it feeling pretty good and felt like I was pretty far along in the healing process--"This will be okay," I thought, "I'm getting over it!" Silly me--I didn't even bring any tissues into church.

Well most of the ceremony was just fine. I was truly happy for the couple and was thankful that I had a better understanding of how truly exciting that day is! But then came the pastor's message. It was one of my favorites I've heard at a wedding so far. The bride had been to Africa a few times and loved working with orphans. The groom was a teacher & coach. But the pastor told them that even though they have wonderful ministries that they're a part of, their #1 ministry must always be to each other. God gave them to each other to pour out His love on each other & reveal more of Himself through their marriage. I love that concept.

But now we'll backtrack a little...

I was involved with a number of other ministries, and thoroughly enjoyed my work with them, but as our relationship progressed, I truly sought to have Matt as my #1 ministry. I can remember exactly where I was when I first told Matt that he was my #1. God had given me the task & privilege of loving Matt in a way that no one else could. I prayed every day that I would be able to see Matt like Jesus sees him and to love him like Jesus loves him--unconditionally & ever-faithfully. God had given me the grace to have a deep understanding how truly deep, long, wide, and high His love is for each of us. I wanted to be that vessel of that love for Matt. I wanted Matt to better understand how God felt about him, through me expressing how much I cherished him, delighted in him, was proud of him, and wanted to be with him. A phrase I tried to often say to him was "I love you a lot, but Jesus loves & delights in you more!" Like any other ministry, this was difficult at times, but overall, I really, truly enjoyed this ministry. I was ready to have it as my #1 for the rest of my life!

So you can probably guess what was going through my head during the pastor's message at the wedding. Despite all the hurt, I wanted my ministry back so badly! I didn't want to give it up. It was my #1 after all! Not gonna lie, I was pretty much sobbing while their soloist (who was also going to sing at our wedding) sang "Love Never Fails." I was not prepared for those thoughts & emotions at all. 
BUT the Lord showed me through all that, that it was time to give up that ministry. Yes, it was my #1. But I had to surrender it to the Lord just like He calls me to give up everything else in my life for His purposes. It was time for me to give that one up & re-focus on my other ministries.

Some of you might know that our wedding was set for next Saturday, July 27th. Rather than sulking about what could have been, I will be at a middle schoolers retreat in Minneapolis! By God's grace, I'll be pouring out His love on those kiddos rather than thinking about the love I can't pour out on Matt anymore. By God's grace, He's teaching me to be content with every circumstance. No, this isn't my original plans for July 27th, 2013, but I'm learning to trust the Lord more that these are His better plans.