Tuesday, July 30, 2013

New Chapter!

I mentioned in my last post, that I had the opportunity to go to a middle schooler's retreat in Minneapolis this weekend. It was called Power Connection and boy did it live up to that name! I was blessed to witness the Spirit's power in middle schooler's hearts this weekend. They connected with Abba Father's heart in a new way. They connected with each other. And they've connected with me. I'm pumped to see what this coming school year holds for them. I'm excited to find out how God will use me in the puzzle, too. Join with me in praising God for His work in their lives and for what He will do! :)

Those of you who read my last post also know that Saturday was my "would be wedding day." This is my big shoutout and THANKYOU to each and every one of you who kept me in your thoughts and prayers throughout the past days, weeks, and months. Some of you maybe had a bigger role than others, but regardless--I am thankful & it was noticed! Jesus heard every single one of your prayers and was faithful to answer them. Thankyou for interceding for me and being a prayer warrior. Thankyou for the Facebook messages and emails. Thankyou for risking an uncomfortable conversation to ask how I'm actually doing. Thanks for being gracious and understanding of my hurts when I had to vent. You were all part of my healing process. I wouldn't be where I am today without your constant love, support, encouragement, and prayers. It was basically impossible for me to doubt God's goodness and love for me in the midst of my suffering because of the way that He loved me and was good to me through all of you. Thankyou for being His vessel. I hope I can return the favor someday. :)

Two weeks from today Dordt's pre-season starts. In case you didn't already know, I was offered the JV coaching position at Dordt. I will be doing that along with substitute teaching in the area and hopefully some youth ministry, too. So that means I am currently looking for an apartment in Sioux Center. BUT! I'm not being an obsessive planner about it. That's one of the many things I learned through my situation with Matt. I'm learning to trust God more for each day and not think I need to plan ahead so much. I know it's a gift to be a planner/organizer, but I was using that gift to an unhealthy/obsessive degree. So now, Jesus has given me an opportunity to put that new learning into practice. Rather than get worked up about not finding an apartment right away and calling people like crazy, I'm trying my best to trust Jesus that He has a place in store for me and that I will find it in due time. (I should also mention that it's easy for me to not get too worked up because my wonderful parents would never kick me out and I could commute.:)

My best friend and sister left for Laos yesterday. Words can't fully express how thankful I am that she came home when she did. Usually she comes home from mid-July to mid-September. This year, she is slightly changing jobs and moving to a different city. Because of that, she came home in mid-June and stayed til now. I'm soooo thankful that I could spend the past 7 weeks with her. I'm so thankful to have a friend that I can be completely open with and say all the stupid, not-so-Christian things that I'm feeling and she'll never stop being my friend. I'm sot thankful for how she sees Jesus working. I'm so thankful that she reminded me of the Truths I already knew and was forgetting. God is so good in bringing her home a month earlier than usual. Isn't it amazing how He weaves everything together?? :)

So with the wedding date behind me, Christa back in Laos, and volleyball season just around the corner, I am more than ready to start a new chapter in life! I'm excited for my own flexible schedule. I'm excited for getting more regularly involved in ministries. I'm excited to decorate my apartment with all the crafty things I've been doing this summer too! Remember this blogpost?? The seasons have changed--spring has returned!! Deep down, I knew it would. :) Take this moment with me to praise God for His faithfulness!!
In the words of the worship leader at Power Connection.
God is good, all the time! All the time, God is good!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

#1 Ministry

On June 1st,  I went to my second wedding since my own got called off. The first one was back in April, but it wasn't really difficult because I was SO confident that Jesus was going to bring us back together. But this one was a little different...
I went into it feeling pretty good and felt like I was pretty far along in the healing process--"This will be okay," I thought, "I'm getting over it!" Silly me--I didn't even bring any tissues into church.

Well most of the ceremony was just fine. I was truly happy for the couple and was thankful that I had a better understanding of how truly exciting that day is! But then came the pastor's message. It was one of my favorites I've heard at a wedding so far. The bride had been to Africa a few times and loved working with orphans. The groom was a teacher & coach. But the pastor told them that even though they have wonderful ministries that they're a part of, their #1 ministry must always be to each other. God gave them to each other to pour out His love on each other & reveal more of Himself through their marriage. I love that concept.

But now we'll backtrack a little...

I was involved with a number of other ministries, and thoroughly enjoyed my work with them, but as our relationship progressed, I truly sought to have Matt as my #1 ministry. I can remember exactly where I was when I first told Matt that he was my #1. God had given me the task & privilege of loving Matt in a way that no one else could. I prayed every day that I would be able to see Matt like Jesus sees him and to love him like Jesus loves him--unconditionally & ever-faithfully. God had given me the grace to have a deep understanding how truly deep, long, wide, and high His love is for each of us. I wanted to be that vessel of that love for Matt. I wanted Matt to better understand how God felt about him, through me expressing how much I cherished him, delighted in him, was proud of him, and wanted to be with him. A phrase I tried to often say to him was "I love you a lot, but Jesus loves & delights in you more!" Like any other ministry, this was difficult at times, but overall, I really, truly enjoyed this ministry. I was ready to have it as my #1 for the rest of my life!

So you can probably guess what was going through my head during the pastor's message at the wedding. Despite all the hurt, I wanted my ministry back so badly! I didn't want to give it up. It was my #1 after all! Not gonna lie, I was pretty much sobbing while their soloist (who was also going to sing at our wedding) sang "Love Never Fails." I was not prepared for those thoughts & emotions at all. 
BUT the Lord showed me through all that, that it was time to give up that ministry. Yes, it was my #1. But I had to surrender it to the Lord just like He calls me to give up everything else in my life for His purposes. It was time for me to give that one up & re-focus on my other ministries.

Some of you might know that our wedding was set for next Saturday, July 27th. Rather than sulking about what could have been, I will be at a middle schoolers retreat in Minneapolis! By God's grace, I'll be pouring out His love on those kiddos rather than thinking about the love I can't pour out on Matt anymore. By God's grace, He's teaching me to be content with every circumstance. No, this isn't my original plans for July 27th, 2013, but I'm learning to trust the Lord more that these are His better plans.


Tuesday, July 16, 2013

A Couple Recipes

I went jet skiing with some friends this weekend. Super fun! :) I was in charge of food & brought THESE bars. I think they were a hit! ;) AND quite easy! Just sugar cookie mix, melted stick of butter, 1 egg, vanilla pudding mix and M&M's! Bake at 350 for 15 minutes. Yumma!!

And now for another recipe. Not one that is quite so yummy, but a whole lot more wonderful. It's a recipe for HEALING! Strange, I know. But it's just something I wanted to write. More for myself, that I wanted to actually remember & record what was really so helpful in getting me through these past months. I couldn't always say this, but now more than ever I am confident that God has a perfect purpose for my time of suffering. I don't want to forget any part. So here goes...

DANAE'S RECIPE FOR HEALING

First off, you'll need a heaping dose of God's grace, which shouldn't be a problem because we know that's always in ABUNDANT supply. :) But that's first...and last...and everywhere in between. God's grace needs to be continuously mixed throughout this entire healing process. It's always there, with God longing to give more to us, but because it's grace, it's not just gonna force itself in there either. You got to get to ask.

These next steps are bit more specific to my situation, but I think some over-arching ideas for any healing process are in there.

Spend lots of afternoons at your grandparent's house enjoying banana bread, cinnamon rolls, cookies, and tea. Do a bunch of puzzles with them talking about the beautifully simple things in life. In the first few weeks, especially, it helps keep your mind from getting overwhelmed with grief & despair.

Spend even more time with three little boys, ages 4, 2, & 6 months. They don't have a care in the world and are so easy to love. You can pick them up and give them a big ole hug any time you want. They'll probably be the three things that can bring a genuine smile to your face for a while. They won't make you feel like you need to explain anything to them. They're the few people that will treat you like absolutely nothing has changed since before you were hurt.

Toss in a good amount of vulnerability. Whether through writing or conversations, don't try to hide how you're really feeling about things. Maybe a lot of it is kinda ugly and you know a nice Christian shouldn't be feeling that way. But if you are, then own up to it! There are a lot of beautiful, compassionate people out there who are so good at being Jesus to you, if you let them. Let the Lord surprise you who's all out there that can help you. (He sure did with me!) But like it or not, it takes work on your part. You gotta let them know how you really feel, so they can relate to you and pour out their compassion, wisdom, & understanding on you. Vulnerability can be uncomfortable & scary at first, but oh so worth it, every time and it gets easier. :)

Make a CD mix. Put songs on there about trusting God's goodness, faithfulness, unconditional love, knowledge of you, and perfect ways. Even when your mind is clouded with so many other thoughts that it's hard to believe that a single word in those songs are true, keep listening to them. Drive somewhere every day by yourself so that you can sing them over and over again. Use them as your prayers when you have no idea what else to say. God understands. He won't be disappointed that you can't say anything else at the time.

Get a semi-mindless summer job for a couple of weeks. While doing your mindless tasks, your mind can go a million different ways. Instead of letting your mind wander through thoughts of how hurt you were, take this opportunity to really fight for words of hope & healing. Fight against the "why God? why me?" and fight for prayers for the people who hurt you. Again, Jesus would love to help you fight this battle, but you've gotta surrender your own efforts and ask for His help. Every time your mind wanders to thoughts of bitterness or self-pity, whisper Jesus' name (literally) and feel His peace wash over you.

Read through One Thousand Gifts devotional. If that's not available, keep a gratitude journal. Make a conscience effort at finding the many ways that God specifically loves you each and every day. Write down everything. Not just the big stuff. It's all important. It just needs to be noticed. And you need, need, NEED to keep a thankful heart in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.

This one is SO much easier said than done, but keep an eternal perspective. To help you remember, keep some kind of symbol that will help you remember. I have a framed picture of a lion in my room. It's the Lion of Judah. (It;s not this exact picture, but similar) Sometimes I brush right past it, but other times I really stop & try to remind myself that this current circumstance is only a drop in all eternity. I remind myself that Jesus is coming back soon and will make all things right. My Warrior is coming back and this little circumstance will all make sense. He's coming back and I'll understand why this trial was necessary and how it shaped me. Right now, this situation seems like such a very big deal, and it is. But at the same time...it's not. I'm not the only person who's ever been wounded or wish they could better understand God's ways. I'm not the first person that got their life turned upside down. It's so easy to get wrapped up in self-pity, but take time to remind yourself that this--and all of life--is preparation for eternity. In the grand scheme of things, a few months of heartache is not that long. God's making your heart a garden. 

Keep a journal. Write down how you feel, but more than that, ask God questions. You need to process through your thoughts & feelings with Him. Ask Him why you're feeling sad/hurt/bitter/guilty/unforgiving/etc. Or maybe you need to ask Him to hep you figure out what you're even feeling in the first place. Read through the journal often. At least once a week! Take notice of the small steps you're making and thank Jesus for His healing work.

Choose to set your mind to understanding more about Jesus through this circumstance. Every feeling that we have, Jesus has felt it, too, AND handled it perfectly. I don't know if you remember this blog post, but I knew that I needed to ask Jesus to help me understand more of Himself. Some days, I gave up on that and chose self-pity & bitterness instead. But other days, He did show me! If you've read other blog posts of mine, you would know. My favorite thing He showed me was how much He LONGS for His Bride. I gained a deeper understanding of His perfect patience and constant faithfulness. He's been waiting to be one with His Church for over 2000 years, but He doesn't give up. He's so wise--He won't come a minute too late, or a minute too soon. He knows that His Bride isn't ready for Him yet, and He won't rush it. He'll just keep on loving us & drawing us to Him. I LOVE having that deeper understanding. I wouldn't trade it for anything! :) I'm blessed to be able to intercede more specifically in prayer AND I'm privileged to be able to pass it on to others!

So there you have it. That's all the "ingredients" I can think of for now. I'm sure there were more that factored in, but these were the main ones I could think of this morning. :) It's been right about 4 months since my engagement got called off. Which really isn't that long. My sister & I both agree that for me to be where I am today in the healing process is SUCH a testimony of God's grace. I hope you can see that, too. But I also hope you can see that it does take a conscience effort on my part as well. I hated feeling bitter & unforgiving, and I wanted those feelings gone as soon as possible. I think this is a situation where my urgent demeanor worked in my favor. :)

But my fear in all of this is that people will see how healed I am already and think that maybe I wasn't really that hurt and maybe it wasn't that big of a deal that our engagement got broken off. Please don't think that. It was a big deal. The biggest deal that's happened in my life so far. I'm not saying that for you to pity me, but for you to recognize how overwhelmingly gracious God was to me in all this. He's SUCH a good Healer. I can't tell you how many times people told me that healing takes time. Yes it does, but before that it takes JESUS. I hope this recipe shows you that and that you can rejoice with me in a clear evidence of God's GRACE. :)