Fall semester of my junior year, I was in a writing class where I wrote a paper/potential article for the Christian Teachers Journal. I never sent it in, but I was pretty proud of it--all 7 pages! :) Yes, I know that's not that long compared to other research papers that have been written, but still, I liked how it turned out. What was it about, you may ask? Journaling! I am an avid journaler, and more than that, I am quite the promoter of it once you get to know me.
The paper starts out with a quote from Ravi Zacharias in his book The Grand Weaver: "If we want to see the design being created by the Grand Weaver, we have to look for it…Still, we will not see it at all if we do not train ourselves to look." My focus in the paper was on how we can actually train ourselves to recognize this design, primarily though--you guessed it: journaling! :)
One of the main reasons I started journaling was because I was pretty bad at staying focused when I prayed. Way too often, I'd find my mind going all over the place, so journaling kept me focused. But another benefit to it that I wasn't expecting is exactly what the quote is about: it gave me the opportunity to look back at my journals throughout the weeks, months, and years and recognize that the Lord really is designing something beautiful in my life, He really does hear and answer my prayers, He really is changing my heart to be more like His. I wanted to believe that the Grand Weaver was designing something beautiful specifically with my life, but like Zacharias says, it's hard to see it if we don't look for it. Journaling provided a great way to look for it. (Have I convinced you to start your own yet??)
But how does all this connect to everything I've been going through? Well, I've been reading over my journals again--especially the ones since I met Matt, and so many times I read a prayer that's thanking God for how He orchestrated something in our relationship that worked out so perfectly. Be it a conversation that I felt that we had to have but didn't know how to bring it up or the timing of something working out perfectly, I was constantly thanking God for what He was doing in our relationship. In other words: it was super easy to praise and thank God when He was making things work out for us to get closer. Every time that I read over my journals about Matt, I could easily see that God was good and kind and had a perfect plan. These journals were actually a significant part of my spiritual growth because I was able to recognize that God was specifically answering my prayers and changing me. I learned to look for the design, and I actually saw it! But it's not that I just jumped into this blindly all because everything seemed like it couldn't work out any more perfectly. I was still very cautious and constantly asking God if this was really what He had in store for me. But for so long, all signs pointed to "yes!" and I gladly accepted.
But now, obviously things are pointing a different direction. So now the questions:
Can I still thank Him for orchestrating things so amazingly back when we first started our relationship?
Can I still thank Him for bringing us so close only to take it all away once I was completely committed?
Can I still see that He was a Grand Weaver in this and beautifully designed our relationship to weave into each of our lives--for just a little while?
Can I still see that He is good and kind and has a perfect plan when everything between Matt & I is not working out so perfectly anymore?
Let's just say that my journals aren't quite so full of smiley faces.
What is God's will? I've asked that question a thousand times. All I know for sure is this: Rejoice always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances. I'm reading a devotional that challenges me to find one thousand things I'm thankful for. Yeesh. I'm at like 120-something and am running out of things already. What does that say about me? Maybe I need to be more specific or maybe I'm just not as thankful as I should be. Sure, I've seen some good come from this. But there's also a ton of bad's that are really hard to look past and think that somehow they can offset the few good's.
But years from now, I want to be able to read over my journals again from this time and see pages full of thankfulness, not bitterness. Praises, not complaints. Trust, not rebellion. Some days, let me tell ya, those prayers are super hard to write. In all honesty, I think I really do have every right to be angry about this. God gave me the gift of childlike faith and He equipped me to use it to the fullest degree in this relationship, but now it kinda feels like I'm being punished for being too childlike. What gives? So yeah, some of my journals have been full of questions and telling God how I feel like He tricked me, but the next page is full of thanksgiving that God is so faithful, that He understands my heart so perfectly, and that He is able to work for the good of ALL things. Period. I'm eager to find out how God will weave this part of my life into my beautiful tapestry of life.
Slowly, but surely, more and more of my pages are looking more like the latter. :) Aaand the smiley faces are coming back. :) Rejoice! :)
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