Good in All Things

My dear sister. She gave me the best birthday e-mail ever.
We had Skyped a few days before my birthday and of course, we talked about how I was doing. Because you know big sisters are great for that--saying things exactly how you feel and not having to worry about what she thinks of you. My sister is such a good listener and understander. I hope you all get someone in your life like her. Anyway, this is what she said...
I don’t think that you were tricked or that you weren’t listening to God’s voice. I think that He could have definitely wanted you to be with Matt for two years and He was telling you, continue, continue. And the verse in Romans 8:28-29 I think, about God working for good all things. I think that the ultimate good is to know Jesus more. So if this stuff with Matt is bringing you to Jesus and helping you know Him more, then He is working things for good for you.

Over the past few days, I've really let those words sink in. And Jesus is helping me realize more and more that she is absolutely right. I learned so much about Jesus' love for His Bride (The Church) through my relationship with Matt. I had never experienced that kind of love for someone or from someone before I knew Matt. Sure, I had seen it with my family, friends, movies, etc. but it's a whole different level of understanding when you experience that love yourself. And then to take that and apply it to how crazy in love Jesus is about me?!? (and then multiply it times infinity!) There are no words...

I am so thankful that Jesus has helped me to better understand how much He faithfully loves His Bride. He is waiting for the day when He will return and become one with us (aka: marry us!) Take these words from Rev. 19:6-9

Then I heard again what sounded like the shout of a vast crowd or the roar of mighty ocean waves or the crash of loud thunder:

“Praise the Lord!
    For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns.
⁷ Let us be glad and rejoice,
    and let us give honor to him.
For the time has come for the wedding feast of the Lamb,
    and his bride has prepared herself.
⁸ She has been given the finest of pure white linen to wear.”
    For the fine linen represents the good deeds of God’s holy people.

⁹ And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding feast of the Lamb.” And he added, “These are true words that come from God.”

This is a prophetic verse of something yet to come. So in other words, as of right now, the Bride has not yet prepared herself. She's not in a state where she wants to marry her Bridegroom yet. And Jesus has given me a deeper understanding of how much He longs for this day. It's been a regular prayer of mine that the Bride would be prepared and ready to marry the Lamb, but in all honesty, I can't say it was a very fervent prayer. Of course, I wanted that day as well, but like most of us I presume,  I was torn between wanting to "finish" living life on earth and wanting Jesus to come back and bring full restoration to this terribly broken world. 

Well, that's certainly changed now. In these past few weeks, I've experienced feelings that I always thought were just dramatizations to make poems or movies or stories sound better. Turns out they're real feelings. My heart actually hurt. My stomach was in knots. I don't have much of an appetite. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. Those of you who know me well would know that that is super uncharacteristic of me. I can remember one movie that I've ever cried at in my lifetime. One!

But in the past few days, I've been trying to take those awful feelings and turn them into a sort of "connection point" with Jesus. I find myself asking Him "So this is how much it hurts You that Your Bride is choosing something other than You?" or "So this how much you long to marry Your Bride?" I can't help but cry out in repentance...
"I'm so sorry, Jesus. I'm so sorry for the times that I chose other people or things over You. I'm so sorry that I don't always want You. I'm so sorry for taking Your vulnerability You willingly share with me through Your Word and treating it like just another book. I'm so sorry for not noticing all the little things You do every day for me. I'm so, so sorry...." 

It reminds me of the phrase "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." I always thought this applied to breaking my heart for injustice and that sort, but He's breaking my heart for what breaks His in a different way. My heart is broken personally and it's broken like Jesus' is for His Bride. Only then, with a broken heart, I am able to intercede for the Church in a way I never could before. I cry out that Jesus would prepare Her Bride, that the time for the wedding feast of the Lamb would come quickly, that He would come and make all things new. And of course I praise and thank Him that He is soooo patient and faithful with His Bride. 

This is the fervent prayer I always wanted but was too preoccupied to really dig into. I never would have gotten here if I didn't come to know Jesus more through this super tough situation. Is this the "good in all things" that God worked out for me? Is it worth it that I was in a relationship for two years, ready to be married in July, just to have that torn away for the sake of having a more fervent intercession? If that was God's intention, then how can I say no? "Come what may." Right? :)