Saturday, April 27, 2013

Straight Paths??

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

Countless times have I recited that verse. Countless times have I told the Lord how much I trust Him and that I will try not to lean on my own understanding of things. Countless times have I acknowledged Him in all my ways. And countless times I thanked Him for fulfilling His promise of making my path straight.

For the past two years, I felt so confident that the Lord was making my path straight in my relationship with Matt. I have pages and pages of journals/prayers to God begging Him to show me His will for our relationship. Begging Him to be at the center. Telling Him that I will give up absolutely everything--including that relationship--to only follow Him, if that's what He wanted.

The Lord knew that I loved Him with my whole being and would do anything out of my devotion for Him. And yet, He kept on opening doors in this relationship. If this really wasn't what He wanted, then why did He give me so much peace? Why did He make timing work out so well? Why did He bring two people together that compliment each other's weaknesses really well? Why did He bring two people together that both had a desire to minister to others through hospitality, service, and generosity? The path seemed SO straight. Even in the midst of challenges of figuring out how to be teammates, of dealing with family differences, of figuring out how to communicate, the path still seemed SO straight. I had so much peace...

Even more, I told so many people about the way that God orchestrated our relationship. I loved the testimony that it was! So I'm not the only one that is totally confused by the ending of this relationship. They all know that I trusted in the Lord with all my heart in this. They, too, think it seems like God backed out on His promise. You trust Him = He makes your paths straight. If God let me go down the wrong path for 2 years, then who's to say He won't do it again? I want to trust Him so badly. If I can't trust Him, I really have no hope. If I have no hope, there's literally no purpose for my life.

If I had just jumped into this relationship without a care for what God thought about it, I could understand why this ended. If I never acknowledged Him in my ways, I could accept that this wasn't God's will. But the only reason I was in this relationship was because I believed it was God's will. There's absolutely no way I would have moved forward if I didn't feel God's peace about it.

So now what? I wish I knew...
I'm graduating from college in two weeks and have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with my life...not to mention the next week.
I know that God has everything under control. I know that He has good plans for me. I know that He loves me and wants to protect me. And I want to trust Him that He'll show me where He wants me to live, where He wants me to apply for jobs, etc. But right now, I am really struggling with doubts that I ever even knew what God's voice sounded like in the first place. Here I thought I knew what God's peace was for these past two years, and I was completely wrong. So how am I supposed to know what He's telling me to do for a job or where to live? I guess I could just randomly choose something, but I'm not used to doing anything without a feeling of His approval. So I continue to wait.

Like I said, I have doubts of what God's voice is right now. But what I think I have been feeling is that I need to take it one day at a time. Instead of asking God what He wants to do with my future, I just ask Him to show me what He wants me to do TODAY and today alone. The Israelites had to get manna every single day. It didn't carry over to tomorrow. And so it goes with me--each day I can only ask God for what to do that day, and He faithfully gives me enough strength to get through that one day. That's all I need.  The Planner in me doesn't like it very much, but it's true. His grace is sufficient.

Anyway...I realize that this post wasn't exactly encouraging. But I think it's important for people to know that even people who appear strong in their faith have times of uncertainty and doubt. I wrote this blog post because I still think that it "imparts grace." I hope that it shows you that throughout your entire spiritual journey, you will have questions & struggles (probably much worse than mine) but to "take heart!" for Jesus has OVERCOME this world and His grace is so sufficient.

1 comment:

  1. Danae, There's a text in I Peter 4 which says we should not be surprised at 'the painful trial you are suffering as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoic that you participate in the sufferings of Christ...' If may be a little hard to compare what you are suffering to what Christ suffered...but think...he was rejected...he knows your pain!! And like you wrote...his grace is sufficient. Sometimes you will feel like you hurt so much, it doesn't seem like it is sufficient and like you cannot face another day, or even another hour...but you do...one hour, one minute at a time sometimes. He does not give you grace for tomorrow today. Sometimes in my sorrow I wondered how time could keep on passing, yet every morning I woke up again and God led me through a new day, giving me the grace I needed when I needed it, not before. My heart aches for you; I cannot possibly tell you I understand or know why this had to happen to you. However, I CAN say with all confidence that God will use it in some way in your life and in lives you touch to bring his blessing. That doesn't mean you should not grieve over your loss. Jesus grieved over loss, too. God uses our grief and pain to shape us into the beautiful vessels he wants us to be. Love you, girl...and will continue to pray for peace for you. Aunt Mary

    ReplyDelete