Walking Oxymoron

Yup. That's me...a living, breathing oxymoron. How so? I am casually wholehearted. 
Let me explain...
Joel 2:12-13 (NKJV)
“Now, therefore,” says the Lord,“Turn to Me with all your heart,
With fasting, with weeping, and with mourning.”
¹³ So rend your heart, and not your garments;
Return to the Lord your God,
For He is gracious and merciful,
Slow to anger, and of great kindness;
And He relents from doing harm.


For those of you who are wondering, the dictionary definition of rend: : to split or tear apart or in pieces by violence. (Ouch.)


How easy it is to think that these verses don't apply to me. After all, I've been a pretty good person my whole life. I've never traveled too far off the path. All that weeping and mourning and fasting must apply to those other people. You know, the ones who really need God's grace. Me? Thanks, but I'll be fine on my own. I'll just sit over here in the corner tearing my clothes a little bit...being casually wholehearted. 
But then I see these other people. Those who have truly rendered their heart to God. Some of them were far off the path, but others were similar to me. It doesn't really matter who they were. It matters who they are now. They went through the most uncomfortable, painful, and violent process of having their hearts torn into pieces, and they lived to tell the story! 
And now not only are they alive, but they are full of life! Know what I mean? They're full of joy and hope and peace. They smile a lot. They love to tell others about God's amazing grace. They have compassion and they're really kind and sacrificial for others--even those who aren't kind to them. I guess you could say they act like Jesus. Like a lot.
I want that! But there's just one problem...that means I'm going to have to get up out of my comfortable corner, get rid of all my "clothing" that I've actually become quite good at tearing up, and actually do what Joel 2 tells me to do.
I'm going to have to weep and mourn and fast. I'm going to have to be really uncomfortable, and I'm definitely not looking forward to it. But I know deep down, this is what I really want. This is what I really need. 
I'm thankful for Joel's reminder of who God is right after telling us to rend our hearts. He reminds us that God is gracious. He is merciful. He is slow to anger. He has great kindness. And He relents from doing harm. So even though I'm not looking forward to the painful process of tearing, I'm definitely looking forward to the grace, mercy and kindness I'll receive from God along the way. This keeps me going. This gives me hope. 


Maybe then I'll stop being an oxymoron and start being genuinely wholehearted. There won't be anything casual about my faith. My whole heart will be in it because I've torn it to pieces and there's nothing left of it that's capable of being casual. My new heart will be in it 1000% and I will experience new levels of God's grace, mercy, and kindness each day that I'll love to pass on to others. 
And then maybe, just maybe, people will eventually look at me from their comfortable little corners and want what I have, too. Maybe they'll notice something is different about me and want that from themselves. Maybe I'll be a beautiful light that others will want to know where the Source is. And maybe I'll be able to help them leave their corner and go through the most painful and beautiful process anyone would possibly make. 


I wish I could say that this rending process is a one time deal. It's actually a lifetime process. I'm still rending my heart, but I'm still experiencing God's grace, mercy, and kindness in amazing ways. I'm never going to be perfectly wholehearted this side of heaven, but I can rest assured that God's grace is helping me become less oxymoronic each day. :)