Jesus has been doing some miraculous work on my heart and is bringing me to a time of SPRING! :)
So, Friends, I'm on a hunt for a job...or at least, something to do after the summer is over. :)
For the past few months, people have been asking (way too often for my preference) what I'm going to do now. I think I was always able to give a slight smile and casually say "I don't know, I guess we'll see..." But really, I wanted to say something more like "Well, my entire world just got flipped upside down, so to be honest, I don't really care what I do for a job right now. I had hopes and dreams of marrying this guy, moving to Washington, and starting a exciting new adventure there. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have all those hopes taken away from you? And on top of all that--the feeling of rejection? The feeling that you're not good enough to be wanted by the man that you thought loved you & wanted to spend the rest of his life with you? The feeling that his family didn't think you were a good enough fit? I'm not in any state of mind to be thinking about my job. I'm just trying to get through the day without bursting into tears, thankyou very much."
Okay, I know that sounds kind of sassy, and I know people were just trying to be nice. But like I said, Jesus has been bringing healing. So now I'm ready to tell anyone who's interested a little bit about what I've been looking into.
#1- World Race. It's 11 countries in 11 months. Pretty sweet, huh? Yes, I'm very intrigued, but it's hard for me to know if God really wants me to do this. I gladly will, but I also don't want to be like Jonah and take off for some country when God really is telling me to stay in Iowa. I know there aren't any big fishies that can swallow me on my way over, but I would like to have His full approval before finishing my application...So--I wait. :)
#2- Admissions Counselor. I loved Dordt! and I'm proud to say that I had at least somewhat of a role of getting at least 4 people that I know to come there! Whoop whoop! I would have no problem talking up this wonderful college. One drawback is that the opening technically started in May and they're waiting for it to be filled. So if I applied now and got it, then my summer plans get thrown out the window. Is this is the sacrifice I'm supposed to make?
#3- Good ole' school teacher. I'm still casually searching for a middle school teaching position in 3 major places. Northwest Iowa, California, & Florida. But I feel like I won't just jump at any opportunity. I want to apply somewhere that I'm actually excited about teaching at, not just a "well, I guess I'll apply here..." I haven't had any feelings of excitement yet. (Other than an opening back in Lynden for 8th grade social studies & Bible teacher...)
So far, I haven't had any major feelings of direction yet. I really, really want God to give me super clear clarity of where He wants me to go. I want Him to clearly close all other doors and leave one wide open where He wants me to be. But I also have to accept that sometimes there maybe isn't a specific place. Sometimes He lovingly allows us to make our own decisions. I've heard it described as us being in a fenced in pasture. As long as we stay within the fence, He doesn't mind if we're over in the corner, smack in the middle, or somewhere in between. So I guess I'll have to wait to find out if this is a pasture situation or if there's one specific one that He wants for me to choose.
Good thing He's been teaching me to get so good at waiting, huh?? :)
Friday, May 31, 2013
I Trust You
Back to the song lyrics. New artist--Justin Frederick! Another great prayer-song. He says it so perfectly...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Tv7ykXuqdM
You are my Shepherd and in You I lack nothing
You cause my heart to rest in knowing You
I will not worry for You know all that I need
You know before I even ask
Your ear is ever bent down close to hear me
You’re ever eager to give all I need
I am the apple of Your eye, You love me
Oh Lord You’ve known me, You have searched me out
Though I walk through the valley of distress I know
That You are with me, I am not alone
I’ll fear no evil for Your rod and staff are here
Your leadership has never failed
I trust You, You have never failed my heart
And I have trusted You this far, Jesus, come take all my heart, all my heart
I trust You, Jesus, You are just and true
In everything You say and do, Jesus, You know I love You, I love You I Trust You
Though I don't understand everything around me
I know You’ve always been faithful to me
I will say in the darkest of nights
Your promises are true, Jesus, I will trust You
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Tv7ykXuqdM
You are my Shepherd and in You I lack nothing
You cause my heart to rest in knowing You
I will not worry for You know all that I need
You know before I even ask
Your ear is ever bent down close to hear me
You’re ever eager to give all I need
I am the apple of Your eye, You love me
Oh Lord You’ve known me, You have searched me out
Though I walk through the valley of distress I know
That You are with me, I am not alone
I’ll fear no evil for Your rod and staff are here
Your leadership has never failed
I trust You, You have never failed my heart
And I have trusted You this far, Jesus, come take all my heart, all my heart
I trust You, Jesus, You are just and true
In everything You say and do, Jesus, You know I love You, I love You I Trust You
Though I don't understand everything around me
I know You’ve always been faithful to me
I will say in the darkest of nights
Your promises are true, Jesus, I will trust You
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Rejoice
Hello again. I've been meaning to take a break from sharing some of my go-to prayer songs to share a little of what's on my heart again, but I've been putting it off. It's been difficult to gauge and describe exactly how I'm feeling, but I'll give it a shot. Here goes...
Fall semester of my junior year, I was in a writing class where I wrote a paper/potential article for the Christian Teachers Journal. I never sent it in, but I was pretty proud of it--all 7 pages! :) Yes, I know that's not that long compared to other research papers that have been written, but still, I liked how it turned out. What was it about, you may ask? Journaling! I am an avid journaler, and more than that, I am quite the promoter of it once you get to know me.
The paper starts out with a quote from Ravi Zacharias in his book The Grand Weaver: "If we want to see the design being created by the Grand Weaver, we have to look for it…Still, we will not see it at all if we do not train ourselves to look." My focus in the paper was on how we can actually train ourselves to recognize this design, primarily though--you guessed it: journaling! :)
One of the main reasons I started journaling was because I was pretty bad at staying focused when I prayed. Way too often, I'd find my mind going all over the place, so journaling kept me focused. But another benefit to it that I wasn't expecting is exactly what the quote is about: it gave me the opportunity to look back at my journals throughout the weeks, months, and years and recognize that the Lord really is designing something beautiful in my life, He really does hear and answer my prayers, He really is changing my heart to be more like His. I wanted to believe that the Grand Weaver was designing something beautiful specifically with my life, but like Zacharias says, it's hard to see it if we don't look for it. Journaling provided a great way to look for it. (Have I convinced you to start your own yet??)
But how does all this connect to everything I've been going through? Well, I've been reading over my journals again--especially the ones since I met Matt, and so many times I read a prayer that's thanking God for how He orchestrated something in our relationship that worked out so perfectly. Be it a conversation that I felt that we had to have but didn't know how to bring it up or the timing of something working out perfectly, I was constantly thanking God for what He was doing in our relationship. In other words: it was super easy to praise and thank God when He was making things work out for us to get closer. Every time that I read over my journals about Matt, I could easily see that God was good and kind and had a perfect plan. These journals were actually a significant part of my spiritual growth because I was able to recognize that God was specifically answering my prayers and changing me. I learned to look for the design, and I actually saw it! But it's not that I just jumped into this blindly all because everything seemed like it couldn't work out any more perfectly. I was still very cautious and constantly asking God if this was really what He had in store for me. But for so long, all signs pointed to "yes!" and I gladly accepted.
But now, obviously things are pointing a different direction. So now the questions:
Can I still thank Him for orchestrating things so amazingly back when we first started our relationship?
Can I still thank Him for bringing us so close only to take it all away once I was completely committed?
Can I still see that He was a Grand Weaver in this and beautifully designed our relationship to weave into each of our lives--for just a little while?
Can I still see that He is good and kind and has a perfect plan when everything between Matt & I is not working out so perfectly anymore?
Let's just say that my journals aren't quite so full of smiley faces.
What is God's will? I've asked that question a thousand times. All I know for sure is this: Rejoice always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances. I'm reading a devotional that challenges me to find one thousand things I'm thankful for. Yeesh. I'm at like 120-something and am running out of things already. What does that say about me? Maybe I need to be more specific or maybe I'm just not as thankful as I should be. Sure, I've seen some good come from this. But there's also a ton of bad's that are really hard to look past and think that somehow they can offset the few good's.
But years from now, I want to be able to read over my journals again from this time and see pages full of thankfulness, not bitterness. Praises, not complaints. Trust, not rebellion. Some days, let me tell ya, those prayers are super hard to write. In all honesty, I think I really do have every right to be angry about this. God gave me the gift of childlike faith and He equipped me to use it to the fullest degree in this relationship, but now it kinda feels like I'm being punished for being too childlike. What gives? So yeah, some of my journals have been full of questions and telling God how I feel like He tricked me, but the next page is full of thanksgiving that God is so faithful, that He understands my heart so perfectly, and that He is able to work for the good of ALL things. Period. I'm eager to find out how God will weave this part of my life into my beautiful tapestry of life.
Slowly, but surely, more and more of my pages are looking more like the latter. :) Aaand the smiley faces are coming back. :) Rejoice! :)
Fall semester of my junior year, I was in a writing class where I wrote a paper/potential article for the Christian Teachers Journal. I never sent it in, but I was pretty proud of it--all 7 pages! :) Yes, I know that's not that long compared to other research papers that have been written, but still, I liked how it turned out. What was it about, you may ask? Journaling! I am an avid journaler, and more than that, I am quite the promoter of it once you get to know me.
The paper starts out with a quote from Ravi Zacharias in his book The Grand Weaver: "If we want to see the design being created by the Grand Weaver, we have to look for it…Still, we will not see it at all if we do not train ourselves to look." My focus in the paper was on how we can actually train ourselves to recognize this design, primarily though--you guessed it: journaling! :)
One of the main reasons I started journaling was because I was pretty bad at staying focused when I prayed. Way too often, I'd find my mind going all over the place, so journaling kept me focused. But another benefit to it that I wasn't expecting is exactly what the quote is about: it gave me the opportunity to look back at my journals throughout the weeks, months, and years and recognize that the Lord really is designing something beautiful in my life, He really does hear and answer my prayers, He really is changing my heart to be more like His. I wanted to believe that the Grand Weaver was designing something beautiful specifically with my life, but like Zacharias says, it's hard to see it if we don't look for it. Journaling provided a great way to look for it. (Have I convinced you to start your own yet??)
But how does all this connect to everything I've been going through? Well, I've been reading over my journals again--especially the ones since I met Matt, and so many times I read a prayer that's thanking God for how He orchestrated something in our relationship that worked out so perfectly. Be it a conversation that I felt that we had to have but didn't know how to bring it up or the timing of something working out perfectly, I was constantly thanking God for what He was doing in our relationship. In other words: it was super easy to praise and thank God when He was making things work out for us to get closer. Every time that I read over my journals about Matt, I could easily see that God was good and kind and had a perfect plan. These journals were actually a significant part of my spiritual growth because I was able to recognize that God was specifically answering my prayers and changing me. I learned to look for the design, and I actually saw it! But it's not that I just jumped into this blindly all because everything seemed like it couldn't work out any more perfectly. I was still very cautious and constantly asking God if this was really what He had in store for me. But for so long, all signs pointed to "yes!" and I gladly accepted.
But now, obviously things are pointing a different direction. So now the questions:
Can I still thank Him for orchestrating things so amazingly back when we first started our relationship?
Can I still thank Him for bringing us so close only to take it all away once I was completely committed?
Can I still see that He was a Grand Weaver in this and beautifully designed our relationship to weave into each of our lives--for just a little while?
Can I still see that He is good and kind and has a perfect plan when everything between Matt & I is not working out so perfectly anymore?
Let's just say that my journals aren't quite so full of smiley faces.
What is God's will? I've asked that question a thousand times. All I know for sure is this: Rejoice always. Pray continually. Give thanks in all circumstances. I'm reading a devotional that challenges me to find one thousand things I'm thankful for. Yeesh. I'm at like 120-something and am running out of things already. What does that say about me? Maybe I need to be more specific or maybe I'm just not as thankful as I should be. Sure, I've seen some good come from this. But there's also a ton of bad's that are really hard to look past and think that somehow they can offset the few good's.
But years from now, I want to be able to read over my journals again from this time and see pages full of thankfulness, not bitterness. Praises, not complaints. Trust, not rebellion. Some days, let me tell ya, those prayers are super hard to write. In all honesty, I think I really do have every right to be angry about this. God gave me the gift of childlike faith and He equipped me to use it to the fullest degree in this relationship, but now it kinda feels like I'm being punished for being too childlike. What gives? So yeah, some of my journals have been full of questions and telling God how I feel like He tricked me, but the next page is full of thanksgiving that God is so faithful, that He understands my heart so perfectly, and that He is able to work for the good of ALL things. Period. I'm eager to find out how God will weave this part of my life into my beautiful tapestry of life.
Slowly, but surely, more and more of my pages are looking more like the latter. :) Aaand the smiley faces are coming back. :) Rejoice! :)
Sunday, May 19, 2013
You Are For Me
Another one by my favorite artist, Kari Jobe. This video has an explanation by her about it coming straight from her journal. I wonder what songs would come from my journals...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbSMfL5LuSo
So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are
So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
And You love for me to sing to You
And Lord, I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are
You remind me
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbSMfL5LuSo
So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are
So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
And You love for me to sing to You
And Lord, I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are
You remind me
I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never
Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Come to Me
I love those songs that are from God's point of view. Yet sometimes they take the longest to believe that they're actually true.
I am the Lord your God,I go before you now.
I stand beside you
I’m all around you
And though you feel I’m far away
I’m closer than your breath
I am with you
More than you know
I am the Lord your peace
No evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind
Come into my rest
And oh, let your faith arise
And lift up your weary head
I am with you
Wherever you go
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything
I am your anchor, in the wind and the waves
And I am your steadfast, so don’t be afraid
Though your heart and flesh may fail you
I’m your faithful strength
And I am with you
Wherever you go
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything
Come to me, I’m all you need
Come to me, I’m your everything
Don’t look to the right or to the left, keep your eyes on me
You will not be shaken, you will not be moved
Ohhhh
I am the hand to hold, I am the truth, I am the way
Heyyyy
Just come to me, come to me
Cause I’m all that you need
Monday, May 13, 2013
This is my anthem...
This song, along with "Come & Listen", was going to part of our wedding processional. Even though they now have somewhat painful connotations, they still are some of my go-to favorites loaded with a whole lot of TRUTH. I will never stop listening to them, and look forward to having them in my someday-wedding to another man, Lord willing. :)
There were days that I recited "I can’t remember a trial or a pain He did not recycle to bring me gain" over and over again in my head. When times were their darkest, that one simple line got me through. I hope you are blessed by the lyrics, as well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTLfQ05Otk0
Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.
I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.
This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.
There were days that I recited "I can’t remember a trial or a pain He did not recycle to bring me gain" over and over again in my head. When times were their darkest, that one simple line got me through. I hope you are blessed by the lyrics, as well. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTLfQ05Otk0
Morning by morning I wake up to find
The power and comfort of God’s hand in mine
Season by season I watch Him, amazed
In awe of the mystery of His perfect ways
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.
I can’t remember a trial or a pain
He did not recycle to bring me gain
I can’t remember one single regret
In serving God only, and trusting His hand
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful to me.
This is my anthem, this is my song
The theme of the stories I’ve heard for so long
God has been faithful, He will be again
His loving compassion, it knows no end
All I have need of, His hand will provide
He’s always been faithful, He’s always been faithful
He’s always been faithful to me.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Everyone Needs a Little...
Here's another track from my CD I mentioned a few days ago. Introducing my all time favorite singer...Kari Jobe :)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3MjNdVjWOg
Come all ye weary and ye brokenCome to the table of the LordCome sing the song of the forgivenCome lay your burden on the word
Come and find peace
Everyone needs a little restEveryone needs a little joyAnd a song to sing in the darkest night
And life even when it gets you downHope will turn it all aroundBut love is the greatest of theseEveryone needs a little
Sing all ye saints and ye sinnersCall upon the mercy of the LordCome sing the song of redemptionSing about the hope that is to come
Come and find peaceEveryone needs a little restEveryone needs a little joyAnd a song to sing in the darkest night
And life even when it gets you downHope will turn it all aroundBut love is the greatest of theseEveryone needs a little
He will lift you upHe will lift you up higher than sorrowHe will lift you upAnd cover your soul with healing
Come and find peaceEveryone needs a little restEveryone needs a little joyAnd a song to sing in the darkest night
And life even when it gets you downHope will turn it all aroundBut love is the greatest of theseEveryone needs a little
PeaceEveryone needs a little restEveryone needs a little joyAnd a song to sing in the darkest night
And life even when it gets you downHope will turn it all aroundBut love is the greatest of theseEveryone needs a littleEveryone needs a littleEveryone needs a little
Come all ye weary and ye brokenCome to the table of the LordCome sing the song of the forgivenCome lay your burden on the word
Come and find peace
Everyone needs a little restEveryone needs a little joyAnd a song to sing in the darkest night
And life even when it gets you downHope will turn it all aroundBut love is the greatest of theseEveryone needs a little
Sing all ye saints and ye sinnersCall upon the mercy of the LordCome sing the song of redemptionSing about the hope that is to come
Come and find peaceEveryone needs a little restEveryone needs a little joyAnd a song to sing in the darkest night
And life even when it gets you downHope will turn it all aroundBut love is the greatest of theseEveryone needs a little
He will lift you upHe will lift you up higher than sorrowHe will lift you upAnd cover your soul with healing
Come and find peaceEveryone needs a little restEveryone needs a little joyAnd a song to sing in the darkest night
And life even when it gets you downHope will turn it all aroundBut love is the greatest of theseEveryone needs a little
PeaceEveryone needs a little restEveryone needs a little joyAnd a song to sing in the darkest night
And life even when it gets you downHope will turn it all aroundBut love is the greatest of theseEveryone needs a littleEveryone needs a littleEveryone needs a little
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Good in All Things
My dear sister. She gave me the best birthday e-mail ever.
We had Skyped a few days before my birthday and of course, we talked about how I was doing. Because you know big sisters are great for that--saying things exactly how you feel and not having to worry about what she thinks of you. My sister is such a good listener and understander. I hope you all get someone in your life like her. Anyway, this is what she said...
I don’t think that you were tricked or that you weren’t listening to God’s voice. I think that He could have definitely wanted you to be with Matt for two years and He was telling you, continue, continue. And the verse in Romans 8:28-29 I think, about God working for good all things. I think that the ultimate good is to know Jesus more. So if this stuff with Matt is bringing you to Jesus and helping you know Him more, then He is working things for good for you.
Over the past few days, I've really let those words sink in. And Jesus is helping me realize more and more that she is absolutely right. I learned so much about Jesus' love for His Bride (The Church) through my relationship with Matt. I had never experienced that kind of love for someone or from someone before I knew Matt. Sure, I had seen it with my family, friends, movies, etc. but it's a whole different level of understanding when you experience that love yourself. And then to take that and apply it to how crazy in love Jesus is about me?!? (and then multiply it times infinity!) There are no words...
I am so thankful that Jesus has helped me to better understand how much He faithfully loves His Bride. He is waiting for the day when He will return and become one with us (aka: marry us!) Take these words from Rev. 19:6-9
This is a prophetic verse of something yet to come. So in other words, as of right now, the Bride has not yet prepared herself. She's not in a state where she wants to marry her Bridegroom yet. And Jesus has given me a deeper understanding of how much He longs for this day. It's been a regular prayer of mine that the Bride would be prepared and ready to marry the Lamb, but in all honesty, I can't say it was a very fervent prayer. Of course, I wanted that day as well, but like most of us I presume, I was torn between wanting to "finish" living life on earth and wanting Jesus to come back and bring full restoration to this terribly broken world.
Well, that's certainly changed now. In these past few weeks, I've experienced feelings that I always thought were just dramatizations to make poems or movies or stories sound better. Turns out they're real feelings. My heart actually hurt. My stomach was in knots. I don't have much of an appetite. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. Those of you who know me well would know that that is super uncharacteristic of me. I can remember one movie that I've ever cried at in my lifetime. One!
But in the past few days, I've been trying to take those awful feelings and turn them into a sort of "connection point" with Jesus. I find myself asking Him "So this is how much it hurts You that Your Bride is choosing something other than You?" or "So this how much you long to marry Your Bride?" I can't help but cry out in repentance...
"I'm so sorry, Jesus. I'm so sorry for the times that I chose other people or things over You. I'm so sorry that I don't always want You. I'm so sorry for taking Your vulnerability You willingly share with me through Your Word and treating it like just another book. I'm so sorry for not noticing all the little things You do every day for me. I'm so, so sorry...."
It reminds me of the phrase "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." I always thought this applied to breaking my heart for injustice and that sort, but He's breaking my heart for what breaks His in a different way. My heart is broken personally and it's broken like Jesus' is for His Bride. Only then, with a broken heart, I am able to intercede for the Church in a way I never could before. I cry out that Jesus would prepare Her Bride, that the time for the wedding feast of the Lamb would come quickly, that He would come and make all things new. And of course I praise and thank Him that He is soooo patient and faithful with His Bride.
This is the fervent prayer I always wanted but was too preoccupied to really dig into. I never would have gotten here if I didn't come to know Jesus more through this super tough situation. Is this the "good in all things" that God worked out for me? Is it worth it that I was in a relationship for two years, ready to be married in July, just to have that torn away for the sake of having a more fervent intercession? If that was God's intention, then how can I say no? "Come what may." Right? :)
We had Skyped a few days before my birthday and of course, we talked about how I was doing. Because you know big sisters are great for that--saying things exactly how you feel and not having to worry about what she thinks of you. My sister is such a good listener and understander. I hope you all get someone in your life like her. Anyway, this is what she said...
I don’t think that you were tricked or that you weren’t listening to God’s voice. I think that He could have definitely wanted you to be with Matt for two years and He was telling you, continue, continue. And the verse in Romans 8:28-29 I think, about God working for good all things. I think that the ultimate good is to know Jesus more. So if this stuff with Matt is bringing you to Jesus and helping you know Him more, then He is working things for good for you.
Over the past few days, I've really let those words sink in. And Jesus is helping me realize more and more that she is absolutely right. I learned so much about Jesus' love for His Bride (The Church) through my relationship with Matt. I had never experienced that kind of love for someone or from someone before I knew Matt. Sure, I had seen it with my family, friends, movies, etc. but it's a whole different level of understanding when you experience that love yourself. And then to take that and apply it to how crazy in love Jesus is about me?!? (and then multiply it times infinity!) There are no words...
I am so thankful that Jesus has helped me to better understand how much He faithfully loves His Bride. He is waiting for the day when He will return and become one with us (aka: marry us!) Take these words from Rev. 19:6-9
Then I heard again what sounded like the shout of a vast crowd or the roar of mighty ocean waves or the crash of loud thunder:
“Praise the Lord!
For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns.
7 Let us be glad and rejoice,
and let us give honor to him.
For the time has come for the wedding feast of the Lamb,
and his bride has prepared herself.
8 She has been given the finest of pure white linen to wear.”
For the fine linen represents the good deeds of God’s holy people.
For the Lord our God, the Almighty, reigns.
7 Let us be glad and rejoice,
and let us give honor to him.
For the time has come for the wedding feast of the Lamb,
and his bride has prepared herself.
8 She has been given the finest of pure white linen to wear.”
For the fine linen represents the good deeds of God’s holy people.
9 And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding feast of the Lamb.” And he added, “These are true words that come from God.”
This is a prophetic verse of something yet to come. So in other words, as of right now, the Bride has not yet prepared herself. She's not in a state where she wants to marry her Bridegroom yet. And Jesus has given me a deeper understanding of how much He longs for this day. It's been a regular prayer of mine that the Bride would be prepared and ready to marry the Lamb, but in all honesty, I can't say it was a very fervent prayer. Of course, I wanted that day as well, but like most of us I presume, I was torn between wanting to "finish" living life on earth and wanting Jesus to come back and bring full restoration to this terribly broken world.
Well, that's certainly changed now. In these past few weeks, I've experienced feelings that I always thought were just dramatizations to make poems or movies or stories sound better. Turns out they're real feelings. My heart actually hurt. My stomach was in knots. I don't have much of an appetite. I feel like I could burst into tears at any moment. Those of you who know me well would know that that is super uncharacteristic of me. I can remember one movie that I've ever cried at in my lifetime. One!
But in the past few days, I've been trying to take those awful feelings and turn them into a sort of "connection point" with Jesus. I find myself asking Him "So this is how much it hurts You that Your Bride is choosing something other than You?" or "So this how much you long to marry Your Bride?" I can't help but cry out in repentance...
"I'm so sorry, Jesus. I'm so sorry for the times that I chose other people or things over You. I'm so sorry that I don't always want You. I'm so sorry for taking Your vulnerability You willingly share with me through Your Word and treating it like just another book. I'm so sorry for not noticing all the little things You do every day for me. I'm so, so sorry...."
It reminds me of the phrase "Break my heart for what breaks Yours." I always thought this applied to breaking my heart for injustice and that sort, but He's breaking my heart for what breaks His in a different way. My heart is broken personally and it's broken like Jesus' is for His Bride. Only then, with a broken heart, I am able to intercede for the Church in a way I never could before. I cry out that Jesus would prepare Her Bride, that the time for the wedding feast of the Lamb would come quickly, that He would come and make all things new. And of course I praise and thank Him that He is soooo patient and faithful with His Bride.
This is the fervent prayer I always wanted but was too preoccupied to really dig into. I never would have gotten here if I didn't come to know Jesus more through this super tough situation. Is this the "good in all things" that God worked out for me? Is it worth it that I was in a relationship for two years, ready to be married in July, just to have that torn away for the sake of having a more fervent intercession? If that was God's intention, then how can I say no? "Come what may." Right? :)
Saturday, May 4, 2013
I Need Thee Every Hour
Track #2 on my CD. Hmm I love Selah's style. Enjoy! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-LkUTjYSUs
When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea
When I cry for help, oh, hear me
Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford
I need Thee, O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-LkUTjYSUs
When I think I'm going under, part the waters, Lord
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea
When I cry for help, oh, hear me
Lord and hold out Your hand
Touch my life
Still the raging storm in me
I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford
I need Thee, O I need Thee
Every hour I need Thee
O bless me now, my Savior
I come to Thee
I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide, or life is vain
Friday, May 3, 2013
Come & Listen
For the past 6 weeks, I've listened to the same 17 songs in my car over and over and over again. I don't necessarily consider myself a super musical person, but oh my goodness, I don't know what I would do without that CD.
Songs are such a wonderful gift! When I had no idea what to say to Jesus, those songs said it for me. Even though I didn't feel it at the time, I knew deep down that every word in every song was Truth. Yes, Jesus would have accepted my questions and frustrations and accusations and He would have handled them with such tender mercy. But I knew that those words wouldn't really get me anywhere & they wouldn't really bring me to Jesus feet where healing takes place.
I wanted to tell Jesus that even though my world was turned upside down, that I still loved Him dearly and could do nothing but trust Him in this. But most of the time, I just couldn't get the words out on my own. That's where these songs came in! Would you like to know what they were?? I was hoping you'd ask! Stay tuned for more, but for now here's Track 1...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fvSfrt6fUE
Come and listen, come to the water's edge, all you who know and fear the Lord.
Come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.
Let me tell you what He has done for me.
Let me tell you what He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.
Come and listen,
Come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
Come and listen to what He's done.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.
Come and listen,
Come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
Come and listen to what He's done.
Songs are such a wonderful gift! When I had no idea what to say to Jesus, those songs said it for me. Even though I didn't feel it at the time, I knew deep down that every word in every song was Truth. Yes, Jesus would have accepted my questions and frustrations and accusations and He would have handled them with such tender mercy. But I knew that those words wouldn't really get me anywhere & they wouldn't really bring me to Jesus feet where healing takes place.
I wanted to tell Jesus that even though my world was turned upside down, that I still loved Him dearly and could do nothing but trust Him in this. But most of the time, I just couldn't get the words out on my own. That's where these songs came in! Would you like to know what they were?? I was hoping you'd ask! Stay tuned for more, but for now here's Track 1...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fvSfrt6fUE
Come and listen, come to the water's edge, all you who know and fear the Lord.
Come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come.
Let me tell you what He has done for me.
Let me tell you what He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.
Come and listen,
Come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
Come and listen to what He's done.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
Praise our God for He is good.
He has done for me,
He has done for you,
He has done for us.
Come and listen,
Come and listen to what He's done.
Come and listen,
Come and listen to what He's done.
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